This weekend I had the unique opportunity to gather with apx 119 christian women for a retreat that focused on the different seasons of life we all go thru and the blessings and challenges each season brings. This retreat could not have come at a better time for me. And although the hotel was only 5 minutes from my house, I felt like I was a million miles away.
I just love the artwork on the program!
I just love the artwork on the program!I have really faced a lot of challenges lately. And although I had challenges prior to, it seems that things really began to unravel for me following the Chicago Marathon in Oct '07. It just seemed that once the ball got rolling it was one thing after another -- injury, illness, financial problems, job loss and then coming to grips with things from the past I had buried deep inside. It has been an emotionally, spiritually and physically draining time for me and I just knew I was the only one. I have also dealt with the guilt of wanting to just run away from all of it. I have felt like a failure at motherhood, a failure at my marriage for having feelings of just wanting to leave. I have been consumed with thinking "what have I gotten myself into? why me? I don't need this much stress in my life!" Then when I got the job at St Jude, I somehow convinced myself that everything would miraculously get better. But it didn't. The laundry still piles up, the dishes still get dirty, my son still refuses to clean his room and complains about homework, my husband still sleeps thru TV on the couch, and I'm still overwhelmed, in fact, more overwhelmed than ever. The problem is that I now have a job that pays well enough that I can financially afford to leave. How can I claim to be a God fearing christian woman when I entertain thoughts like these? The guilt consumes me. Then I hear a message Friday nite and learn something that just completely set me free from the guilt. Not only do other women find themselves feeling like this BUT other CHRISTIAN women do as well!! WOW! Then, I was given the tools combat these feelings -- tools that I've always known were at my disposal but sometimes you just need to be reminded of what they are at a time and place where you are among godly women who know what it's like. I was reminded that through prayer, I can have intimacy with God. I can tell Him anything. Not only can I unload all my troubles on Him, but I can expect Him to deal with them! I can rely on His word for every answer and I can be assured that it will ALWAYS guide me in the path of righteousness. I need to have an attitude of service. For me, it is easy to have an attitude of service at work and with friends but I never looked at my role at home as a place where I needed a servant's heart. I have always viewed cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc as obligations and the "have to" stuff in my life. I was truly humbled and ashamed that I have missed the opportunities to please God in such simple tasks as folding towels and scrubbing toilets. I also learned that marriage is not about feelings and it's not about whether I'm happy or not. I made a vow before my family, my friends and most importantly, my God and regardless of how many times he overdraws the bank account, my commitment to my husband is TIL DEATH DO US PART! And while these seem like such personal issues and that the decisions I make about my marriage, my family, my life, may seem like they are no one else's business, I learned another sobering truth. People are going to judge God by what they see in me. GULP!! What an awesome responsibility! Everything I say & do, including the way I handle things when life becomes difficult, the way I treat my husband, the way I interact with my son, EVERYTHING is a direct reflection on my heavenly Father.
I also had the opportunity to walk (and even run a little) with some of the ladies from my church -- that was such an incredible experience. Then at lunch, I met some very sweet ladies. Some time during the meal I overheard them discussing the St Jude Half. Well, you know me and whenever the subject of running or St Jude comes up, especially when the 2 are combined, I'm going to be all over that! Talking with them really rekindled that desire in me. Their enthusiasm coupled with my planned runs on the river next week with Brooke have really motivated me. It helped me to realize that even tho I'm having issues with my foot still, there's no need to quit. I just need a new plan, a new strategy and an altered goal -- the miles will be the same; the way I cover them will change. And that's ok.
I feel like I could write a novel about the events of the last 24 hours but it is late and I am tired. I am excited about tomorrow -- it's been many years since I was excited about going to church. I usually don't give it much thought -- it's just habit for me. Don't get me wrong, church attendance is a very good habit but that shouldn't be why you go. I'm simply looking forward to the opportunity to worship my God, who revealed Himself to me this weekend thru godly women in such a way as to give me hope and strength and renewed faith. And even tho my laundry is piled to the ceiling and the dust bunnies have taken over every surface and Ian's bathroom (I won't go there), I can rest knowing that I will have the opportunity to serve my family and my God by addressing all those things tomorrow and I will do so with a cheerful heart. It truly is all about how you look at things...
Gotta run...
Lisa
I promise I will spend the upcoming days & weeks improving my photography skills. :) But for now...
